Untitled

By Morgan Marshall-McKinney

What follows are excerpts from a journal Kurt Cobain kept
between the ages of nine and twenty-seven. Some of these
years are not recorded due to the overwhelming emotions that
Cobain has felt. Most pages were ripped out, and other times
his journal was abandoned due to various thunderstorms
of emotions.
 

March 15, 1976

My parents broke up. Mom told us that she wasn’t happy
with dad. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mom how I felt
about this. Did I even have a say? It’s what they want. I’m not
some kid that begs for them to stay together. I got so used to
them yelling at each other every day, that I just go up to my
room to dream. I want to run away sometimes. What happens
when your parents break up? My mind feels like it’s racing.
I have so many questions, but I stay quiet. This must be what
reality feels like. My friends probably think I’m ignoring
the situation. I finally opened up to one of my friends and his
parents had broken up too. I felt connected to the world now.
This is an experience that actually… makes sense. I didn’t like
the world; I know anywhere will be better than here.

June 27, 1979

I feel nothing. I just don’t care anymore. Me and my mom
have been arguing a lot, but I understand that this may be
a hard time for the both of us. I don’t want to be a victim to
what’s going on around me. I’m guessing that my father may
gain full custody of us considering that my mom probably hates
me. I just don’t understand what am I doing wrong. One day
I am happy and then the next day I just want to sleep all day.
If it wasn’t for school i’d stay home all day in my own world.

January 6, 1982

I feel freedom. I have escaped into my music and honestly,
I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am
not. I’m in my twenties now and it feels like everything has
happened so fast. I always knew I would be here, but I didn’t
expect it to actually happen. I just want to be as grounded as
possible as I take on this new journey.

February 20,1983

I must be spoiled. Yesterday I went to this party and I played
my guitar and a song I wrote. It just felt right. Too bad it was
the only thing that felt right about my life. I’m still hungover
from last night but it was one hell of a night. Happy Birthday
to me from me.

March 7,1987

Went to this house party, performed a couple of Led Zeppelin
covers and one of the hosts played guitar. It was indescribable,
I felt alive. It wasn’t what I envisioned my career to look like,
but I guess you have to start somewhere. I don’t want to regret
anything. Sometimes I think I’m too afraid to make mistakes.

June 15, 1989

I feel drained. Our debut album Bleach was released
today but why do I feel old? I’ve been waiting my whole life for
this, but I just can’t seem to adapt to this accomplishment.
I don’t feel like going on any interviews, they always ask the
same questions. I’m not even going to mentally prepare myself
for what is about to come. I don’t feel like going but I guess
I have to. I wouldn’t want to let anyone down. I’m losing my
mind. We are all alike in many ways, this is just another step
and I’m fine with it.

January 12, 1990

I’ve met the coolest girl in the world. I just hope that I am
able to see her again. We are both really busy right now, but
I can’t stop thinking about her. She is the missing piece to my
life. I want to give her everything. She makes me feel something
that I’ve never felt before. I feel more like myself when I’m
with her. It’s like looking at a mirror. I feel so drawn to her, it’s
crazy. Taking in face value, the way that I dress. I say that we
may be trailing on the same vibe.

March 12, 1992

Apart from my art and music I still need somewhere else
I can escape. My entire being is getting lost in my artistry but
why is it that I’m still sad? There is a void in my soul that
has not been filled that I’ve been yearning to fill. Everyone
else makes fame look so easy and those who find it are seen
as successful. I don’t want fame, I just want the money, to perform,
and express myself. Maybe this void is from all of the times
I spent alone and never got the chance to talk or speak up.
Maybe I secretly want revenge on everyone who ignored how
I was feeling deep within. I know I am not destroyed, but it
surely does seem like it. It seems like the only answers I get are
the ones in my head and they are just as confused as I am.

June 10, 1992

Bought a dream house but no one else seems to like it.
I’m tired of having to live up to these expectations. I’m starting
to feel like I do not fit in anywhere. I feel so misunderstood.
I feel everything and nothing at all. When is it my turn to be
happy?

May 2, 1993

I don’t want anyone to save me. I am ready to leave this
world. I don’t want to be here anymore. I feel like everyone is
screaming at me. I haven’t been out of bed and I don’t feel like
myself at all. If I end it all tonight, it would be selfish of me but
at the same time I think it’s time for me to be selfish for at least
once in my life.

March 1994
I just want to run away. I feel like all I do is attract dead places.

Morgan Marshall-McKinney is an undergraduate student at college park. She is pursuing a major in English and minoring in Rhetoric Communication Studies and Arts Leadership. She is a musician and has a passion for the performing arts.